title: insomnia

date created: 2025.06.12
last modified: 2025.06.12

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it's a little after four am as i write this, and i haven't slept at all. i've been like this for the past week or so, not getting more than a few hours.

after a certain amount of time lying in bed, i realise i'm not getting to sleep any time soon, so i stop trying, at least for a while. tricking myself into drifting off doesn't work. i can't cheat the system.

after accepting my awake-ness, i don't usually end up doing much. it feels weird to even turn the lights on. i usually read[0], or just sit and think. i can understand why some folks like geting up at five. it's so quiet, so calm. not even the birds seem to be up yet. it's peaceful, but the feeling is diluted by anxiety. i've read a lot about the consequences of sleep deprivation, and it does *not* make me feel any better. i try not to think about it. it doesn't help that my bedroom wall clock seems so loud. it's kind of menacing.

this has happened before. i know i can just wait it out, but that doesn't mean i want to.

my energy levels are weird throughout all of this. i go from being normal-tired to energetic for seemingly no reason. I don't know what's up with that. its just happening.

i don't have any real reason to be writing this; i'm just awake.

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[0] i'm reading Martin Eden by Jack London atm. it's kinda motivating me to study and write tbh